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Neanderthal man: Feel my chakras

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Neanderthal Man is a 40-something, ex-British soldier who collects exotic knives and can strip down a semi-automatic rifle blind-folded. Until recently, he thought ‘chakras’ was a Latina pop star whose hips don’t lie. But things changed for the card- carrying caveman when he met the Tree Hugger… this issue, he gets to grips with chakras…

I’m pretty well versed at all this hippie stuff now. I even know about things like chakras. There are seven main ones dotted up your spine to the top of your head. I’m not sure what they do though.

Recently the Tree Hugger took me along to one of her whacky workshops. This one was about learning to feel someone else’s chakras. ‘Awesome,’ I thought, when she told me, I knew I’d probably be the only bloke; I had an idea of where some of those chakras were and I had full consent from the Tree Hugger to feel other people’s, the day was looking up.

So we get there and it started with all the usual full body embracing, air kissing, complimenting one another on how great their aura was looking, all while a CD of Om chanting to Tibetan singing bowls played in the background.

When the mutual aura appreciation was done, the workshop kicked off and as luck would have it, Tree Hugger was pulled up to be part of the first demo.

The lady who was teaching us about feeling chakras started patting the air around Tree Hugger, stopping about six inches from her body.

“There you are, can you see I am touching the edge of her chakra?” she asked the group. “Can you see how well developed her heart chakra is?” Everyone nodded seriously and murmured things like ‘oh yes’ and ‘mmm definitely’. I looked as hard as I could but for the life of me I couldn’t see Tree Hugger’s heart chakra. But I joined in all the head nodding anyway and mumbled, ‘yes, very big, just lovely…’ and hoped they didn’t guess I wasn’t talking about her chakra.

Then it was our turn to practise on each other. If I do say so myself, I put on an Oscar-winning performance. Like I’d seen that French mime artist Marcel Marceau do when he was pretending
to be stuck behind a wall, I moved my hands slowly around my partner’s torso like I was feeling for something. After a bit of this, complete with furrowed brow to suggest deep, trance-like concentration, I pretended that I couldn’t bring my hands any closer because I’d hit an invisible barrier. The teacher congratulated me but Tree Hugger shot me one of those warning looks that suggested she wasn’t fooled.

In the car on the way home, I said to Tree Hugger, “So, um, did you, ah, could you… actually feel anything?” She sat suspiciously still for a moment and then said, “Well, I think so… I’m not sure…” We stared at the road ahead in contemplation. Had everyone in the group been pretending? Was it like The Emperor’s New Chakras? That’s when I saw the opportunity. So I’m holding my first life-transforming workshop next month. Come along, I’ll teach you how to see auras and feel chakras for an energy exchange of just AED 5,000. Be quick! Limited spaces! Sign up at www.ChakraScam.ae.

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